My Name is Lori

“I only allow myself to check on that community of ‘friends’ on Google once every four months (it’s on my calendar) to see if anyone caught them. If anyone filed a lawsuit. No one has. They are all tenured, in charge of things.” Stock photo: pexels.com

MY WORST MOMENT

I had moved from clinical trials to basic science so I could get more intellectual freedom. I chose to study these little worms (C. elegans) because you can look at biology happen in real-time. My supervisor sent me to a small meeting to get to know some ‘movers and shakers’.
On my second night there, they went from drunk to drunk and skinny dipping. I went back to my room to hide. I woke up when someone was knocking on my door. It was one of the drunk skinny dipping faculty wearing only a towel. After he assaulted me, he abruptly stopped and staggered away saying he ‘had the wrong room I guess’.
I cried on my bed for hours. The next day at breakfast one of the young women who was ‘cool’, LGBT+ and skinny dipping asked where I was. She said they had ‘a blast’.

I HAVE GIVEN UP ON

Thinking that women protect women.

I’M AFRAID

I can’t go to the gym because seeing people in towels scares me. I don’t trust women or men. I only allow myself to check on that community of ‘friends’ on Google once every four months (it’s on my calendar) to see if anyone caught them. If anyone filed a lawsuit. No one has. They are all tenured, in charge of things.

THIS HAS COST ME

I left science immediately and moved back home. I said my family had an emergency. Which is mostly true. I was the emergency.  Eight years of flashbacks. Eight years of salary. I tried anti-anxiety medication but it didn’t work. My neighbor gave me his ‘meds’ to help. They were opioids. I felt such relief and the images in my head were gone finally. For four months, I used them non-stop. It was like I was just normal. I couldn’t think, but I was no feeling like my brain was in a tornado anymore. Like my heart didn’t work right. I quit but there are moments in every day that I would rather make the pain go away than breathe.

SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW

I was captain of my soccer teams in high school and college. I made the junior Olympics and had so much fire in me to do something important. now coach in a youth league. I want to wrap all little girls up in a bubble to keep them safe.

IS THERE A BRIGHT SIDE?

I can’t remember how much time I spent in bed after I ran away from science. I was sick. I felt sick. I felt like I was in some weird semi-real life and I shouldn’t have to get out of bed. My hometown friend slowly dragged me out, made me get sunshine, made me drink water and go for walks. I thought she was silly and wasting her life in our little town being a business manager for a small office. She saved my life. I know I wouldn’t have made it much longer. I am humble and want so much less of a ‘big’ life now. I just want to be calm in my skin. To be safe.

MY SECRET WEAPON

 I grabbed up all the sheets and bedding from the assault. I wrote a letter about what happened and had it notarized and dated. I have it all at my friends house.

MY FIGHT SONGS